Rad Pokémon Names

Get ready for some Pokémon name training, Rad Universe style!

LESSON 1: set a tone with some obvious reference points.

HIPPOWDON:  No. 450 – Female • “80’s-Oprah”  (Lv. 52)
DUSTOX:  No. 269 – Female • “Acid-Trip”  (Lv. 12)
WURMPLE:  No. 265 – Male • “DinosaurJr”  (Lv. 10)

PART A: It’s no lie that Oprah was a little bigger in the 80’s. It’s also true that her name spelled backwards is ‘Harpo’ – the name of her empire, a Marx brother, and the cousin of Pokémon’s very own, ‘Hippo Studios.’

Surely you remember taking acid at the Dinosaur Jr. concert, then seven shades of metal later again at Emperor’s U.S. performance debut at Milwaukee Metal Fest ’98. The keyboards didn’t work, but they unleashed pure black metal terror supreme on their IX Equilibrium tour ’99.

LESSON 2:
Name your #1 player appropriately.

EMPOLEON:  No. 395 – Male
• “Ihsahn”  (Lv. 68)

All music written and performed by:
• Water
• Steel

LESSON 3: stick with the music.

 BRONZONG:  No. 437 – Unisex • “IronMaiden”  (Lv. 38)
MEDICHAM:  No. 308 – Male • “MC-Hammer”  (Lv. 35)
WOOPER:  No. 194 – Male • “Radiohead”  (Lv. 22)

PART B: “Put them in the Iron Maiden…” “…EXCELLENT!” It feels good to be a powerslave, but when you’re at the Aragon Ballroom in the middle of July ’99, it’s best to leave after the first few songs. Go home and watch In Living Color’s ‘Hammer Time’ sketch. You’ll understand just how baggy your pants need to be to become a minister.

Scramble sounds disrupt your signal and you’re transported to a radio station in Philadelphia. The kids all have the letter A in their soup and the head principle is tuning in. Fake plastic trees were all that was ever needed. The same as it ever was.

LESSON 4: site your source.

POKéMON:  PEARL VERSION:

• For the Nintendo DS

• Rated E for Everyone

• 95% completed on the toilet

• Nemesis version to POKéMON: Diamond

Lesson 5: get rebellious and take it somewhere it shouldn’t go.

  PACHIRISU:  No. 417 – Female • “Riot-Grrrl”  (Lv. 7)
NOCTOWL:  No. 164 – Male • “Ron-Jeremy”  (Lv. 33)
GRAVELER:  No. 075 – Female • “Shit-Demon”  (Lv. 22)

PART C: Bikini Kill or L7 you might ask. The Gits you reply. One thing’s for sure, and that’s the language of a growling teenage riot in full swing on your jukebox.

Then you take a shit and quote Kevin Smith who not only writes for characters named “Shit Demon,” but also borrows from the art of pornography just as Trey Parker and Matt Stone so appropriately did by casting Noctowl in Orgazmo.

LESSON 6: plant the seed for early retirement.

ILLUMISE:  No. 314 – Female
• “Vajacula”  (Lv. 50)

Get it? It’s a Vagina. AND it’s Dracula.

All music written and performed by:
• Bug

LESSON 7: late night munchies for the recording artists.

 CHATOT: No. 441 – Male • “Wyclef” (Lv. 41)
SNOVER: No. 459 – Male • “WyteKastle” (Lv. 33)
RIOLU: No. 447 – Male • “Snoop-Dogg” (Lv. 15)

PART D: Fold a piece of paper up as many times as you can and fold it in half so it makes a crescent. Grab a rubber band, stretch across fingers and place the arched paper in the center like a bow and arrow.

There’s gonna be a drive-by shooting outside White Castle tonight!! Sliders star and fat kid from Stand By Me, Jerry O’Connell, is about to shoot a Fugee at Snoop D- O- double G! We triple-dogg dare ya.